I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
