Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
