I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
