I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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