he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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