Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
