Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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