Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
