we have pet lesbian snakes
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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