i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
