i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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