sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
