I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
