I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
