i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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