They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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