I like to think it a success when the cops are called
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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