Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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