and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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