I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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