If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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