FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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