Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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