Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
