Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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