I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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