my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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