duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
