Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
