So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
