so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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