My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
