How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Randomize
