i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
