If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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