Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
