Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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