I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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