I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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