Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
