she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
