WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
