Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
