so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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