if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Shame - the story of my life.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
