well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
