Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize