i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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