I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize