Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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