I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
