i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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