Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
