dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
