I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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