Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
