I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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