Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
