I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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