I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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