My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Randomize
