he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
